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black horse, take me away...


I dreamt last night that I was running down the beach with a black horse and rope. He was smaller, but I sensed that he was my protector. Then I had Sophia back again...and she was running down the beach with me too. Not very fast though you see, she is such a small dog! I felt very attatched to this horse. Horses are said to represent human emotions, and if you dream of one, you are said to be protected by all negative things. I had this dream after I dreamt about Mickey Hargitay and the children. We were outside the Pink Palace I think, and three of the children were wearing these little red fireman hats and laughing and waving to us outside the window. I have always beena  firm believer in dreams, that they are truthful, whatever their meanings are... mine have always been very intuitive and prophetic. Sometimes I wake up and cry when I realize that dreams I have, especially about beautiful wild animals, are not real.

I am trying to stop taking so many pills at nighttime. I'm very sick now, I tried to stop cold turkey. Now I know that doesn't work! I had to take just one to stop withdrawing...I do feel relaxed...


a girl's not a tonic or a pil...

Why do I do these things? I take a few pills...clean my apartment...cry over my late and lost kitten Zeus...cry over everything. And I'm not even crying..no now I'm lying? Wow. I don't leave my apartment, except to work...all I think about is sex, i'm relcusive...

I can't wash this depression away..it takes hold if me and won't let go.
I think alot of past life things are coming back. Dr. Finkelstein would tell me that it's guilt over Jayne's children..every time I regress, or go under hypnosis, I'm always crying about the children and crying about the car crash...

I am not crazy here....two psychics, including shirley mclaine herself's OWN psychic has confirmed my name as the reincarnation of Jayne Mansfield...i don't even care about Jayne...fame is nothing. it means nothing...it's man made. who cares? she was a woman with problems, but a woman still...

i'm rambling now..
maybe one more pill to relax.


Ah, my heart!

I've been told that I look like Brigitte Bardot the other day...tell me my heart has no right to burst with flattery!

The sea gives, and the sea takes away...

wild horses came to me
they knew my name
carried my flame

you were there, body aflame

we rode on horseback through an ocean of waking dreams, you and i
why does my heart
feel so bad

why is my soul weeping?

i can't hear it, but i feel it.

i feel unloved. i am losing myself.

my heart feels like a seashell
and yes, you can hear the ocean if you rest your head on my breast.

maybe all there is, is just the next thing
maybe all there is is just....

yes, anastasia.
yes, tori, i'm using your song...
"you don't need my voice, girl you've got your own"

is it my voice?
it's tiny and quiet...a little bud of a flower
i'm willing it to bloom

i wish i was running along the ocean. windblown hair.
my lover running after me
making love to me on the sand
my dress torn
my heart filled to bursting
a flame between my legs

oh lordy lordy

please forgive my past few entries. it's amazing what a few lunestas will do to you. i'm not quite exactly sure why i was getting so worked up and angry in my entries. could be mother nature and her monthly blessing. anyway, i still do feel quite melancholy about marilyn monroe.

oh and i love how my mother goes to denmark and doesn't even tell me. and i love how i haven't talked to my sister in months. it's good to know i'll always have my reliable family behind me. ah, well. my family is my animals and my soul mate.

Sep. 2nd, 2009

I'm feeling so sad right now. I can't explain it. It brings to mind  quote I once heard "It isn't what we lose when we're alive, it's what dies inside us when we live." I've been thinking alot about Sherrie Lea/Marilyn and I almost wept. All my life I've an unexplainable connection to Marilyn. Her death (even though I wasn't even born when she died) is just gut wrenching for me to think about. Honest to God I know for an almost fact that I knew Marilyn in a past life. I've had flashbacks of being in her Brentwood home, talking to her, what it was like, and it's like when I read a book about Marilyn I recognize EVERYTHING, every feeling. It comes to me like flashbacks. So, when I got in contact with Sherrie Lea Laird, I was floored. Sherrie has been discovered as the ONLY linear reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. Her psychiatrist wrote an entire book about past life healing and about Sherrie's case. So Sher and I have been talking back and forth on youtube, and i can say without a doubt that Sherrie and Marilyn, are the same soul. I wish I knew who  I was in my past life, because I KNOW I knew Marilyn. I wonder if Sherrie sees it too. I know this sounds crazy...and please, NO comments about how crazy you think I am, or how you don't believe in reincarnation, or that Sherrie is a liar..I DON'T CARE. You will not affect my opinion about anything I believe. Do some research before you decide to leave a nasty comment. Google Sherrie Lea, Reincarnation. Do some homework and you may be surprised.

OK, well that first subject is over with. Anyway, I took some Lunesta to help me get to sleep and I feel like I'm in a David Lynch film right now. Everything seems kind of slow and surreal. His films are always so quiet....he focuses alot on people's facial expressions and seems to build up horror-movie type of suspense for no reason. It's like your watching a daymare instead od a nightmare.
Here I am mother

There you were with your cotton candy hair

a trembling starlet

on your knees
for a smile
a meal
a friend.

Hollywood frightened you

the pills did the rest

undoing what hasn't yet been done

there you are, Marilyn!

Here I am.

waking dream...

Morning time and my head is aching...even the tea didn't help. Must be mother nature's monthly blessing she lovingly bestowed upon me this morning..ugh. I watched Muholland Drive last night. Normally I adore David Lynch's movies, they're so surreal, it's like you are afraid you're in a nightmare. But even this film didn't make sense for a Lynch film. I didn't even bother trying to decode it. My favorite Lynch film will always be Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. It got alot of flack, but I loved it. It's difficult to watch. For some reason his films always make me feel nervous.

I don't want to work today. I wish I could just sleep in bed with Sophia (my pup) all day.